I had to do something horrible today. Something that filled me with dread and self-doubt.
I procrastinated as long as possible, but eventually had to just get on with it.
I’m doing a thing that requires me to submit a photograph of myself – for publication. Not a holiday snap, a proper photo.
I put on some make-up and enlisted my partner’s help. He is a man of many talents. Unfortunately, it transpired that portrait photography isn’t really one of them.
So it was a case of balancing the camera on top of a teetering pile of furniture, propping it up with books and getting to grips with the self-timer, before the light faded.
Once I’d stopped chopping off the top of my head and sitting like I had something wrong with my back, I had to work out how stop my hands from looking enormous. (Easy – edit them out altogether).
After that was sorted, I took another batch. In which, in my increasingly desperate attempts to look natural, I mostly ended up looking a bit demented.
Eventually I managed to produce a couple of usable pictures. But boy, was it a struggle.
I know it’s very easy to be self-critical and to dislike one’s own appearance, but… there’s something about seeing myself in photos that always comes as a bit of a shock.
I’m just so much older on camera, and therefore, I guess, in real life, than I am inside my own head. What does that say about me, I wonder? That I haven’t grown up? That I’m vain? That I dislike getting older? Possibly all three.
Perhaps one day my self-image will reconcile itself with my actual appearance. Or perhaps not.
But until it does, I think the search for a selfie will continue to be a bit of a struggle. ♥
Great stuff, well done!!! Yes selfies can be difficult, its so strange seeing yourself >>> but I’m an oldie and really ceasing to care, so I’ve put a few out on my blog now. But good for you, well done, it takes courage! Adrian
We finally get to see the woman behind the blog and I must say, you’re as beautiful as your creations.
Thank you! *blushes*
I have to confess – these are a couple of the not-too-bad photos. I was so traumatised by some of them that I deleted them immediately!
you are beautiful! i had a photography class the other day and i had to sit and be photographed, the results looked awful and im 30 in a few weeks, the lighting really helped to show ive got older, its awful!
I think we are all sensitive to seeing ourselves on camera, and feel that we look much worse than others think we do. After all, the world sees us – in both good and bad light – every single day as we go about the daily business of living!
The problem for me is the discrepancy in our minds between what we think we look like and what we actually do look like, and how prone we are to judging ourselves harshly on that basis. There were photos that my partner took where all I could think was “oh my God, where did all those crows feet come from!”
I tend to feel like i look good and then someone photographs me and im appalled at myself!
Your photos look great – you shouldn’t worry, but I understand what you mean, whenever a catch a glimpse of a mirror or unexpected reflection these days, I see my mother, not me.
That must be strange… I don’t look like either of my parents, which I’m quite glad about. Not that my mother wasn’t attractive, but now that they are both gone I think I might be constantly thinking of them if I looked more like them.
Simply beautiful x
My Nan at age 93 used to say she was still 24 inside her head! I have never forgotten that and as time goes by it’s more important to me that my mind and attitude stay young. I hate seeing photos of myself too but would never step into Botox land! It’s saying to the world I am not good enough the way I am…isn’t it?
Totally agree! Though there are those who seem to think of Botox in the same sort of way as a new hairdo!
Oh gosh, I can totaly relate!
Have to do the same thing two years ago. Worst thing ever…
But you look GREAT!
You are so beautiful! It’s fun to see the woman behind the fun and colorful Modflowers blog!
Oh they’re lovely pictures – it’s really lovely to see you – hello!
I know what you mean, though, about photos of yourself – in my head I don’t have any lines or saggy cheeks – and then I see photos of myself and gasp in horror at how old I look!
You still look the same as when we were on Julian Road – well maybe a bit more colourful. Must admit I still feel 14 on the inside and dont like my wrinkles or photos of myself:) Love your blog – we must meet for a cuppa so you can give me tips on how you find the time to blog & make stuff!:)
Aww, that’s very nice of you to say so Jan – I recognised you straight away when I saw you too, and you must’ve been about 8 when I’d last clapped eyes on you! 🙂
You make me laugh! I think you look lovely… I’m quite curious about what this selfie is for! Sadly, I’m quite a hideous beast (mostly after pregnancy…it took a lot out of me), and I’m horribly un-photogenic, so I know how you feel. But again, you’re lovely. 😀
I mentioned you on my blog today nominating you for a Sunshine blogger award : )
Thank you! I’ll pop over and take a look! x
it’s a good photo, you caught the light really nicely. Nice to see you!