So, as you may have gathered, I haven’t been around on here much recently.
I was a bit burned out with blogging.
Having written a blog post most days over a few years, life became busier than it had been when I started out. It was getting more and more difficult carving out the time and space and energy to blog.
And when I did actually sit down to write, I felt like it had all been said before and I was just going through the motions. I just didn’t know what to say any more.
So I gave myself permission to stop.
Not forever. I fully intended to come back, hence no apologies and no tearful goodbyes.
I just needed to put my limited energies into making, for the time being, that and the other thing that takes up much of my time these days.
Our dog.
You may remember, it was back in August when we got a dog. It was the fulfilment of a long-held dream for lad and I. My parents always had dogs throughout my childhood; gentle, loving creatures that provided entertainment such as ball games, toe-licking and food-stealing; an excuse for a walk; a furry listening ear and a loving companion. Lad was desperate for a dog. And I was quite keen.
So I railroaded my other half, who had never had dogs and wasn’t actually much keen, into welcoming Lupin, our rescue dog.
She moved in, and we all got to know each other. So far, so happy ending.
Except it hasn’t been a happy ending at all.
Our dog is not, by any stretch of the imagination, the happy, placid, loving creature I envisaged sharing our lives with.
Lupin has turned out to be… challenging. Antsy, unsettled, unhappy. Fierce, barky and bitey. Sometimes downright scary.
Lupin is damaged goods. She has, we think, been mistreated at some point before coming to us. She does not like to be left alone, even for a moment. When she is alone she cries – and then she destroys stuff. Shutting her in anywhere results in splintered wood, bent metal, ripped fabric and chewed paper. The sound of fireworks, street noise or other dogs (our new neighbours have two) has her barking like a maniac.
She is distrustful of most men, apart from my other half and men with dogs. She is what is properly termed “reactive”. She barks, lunges at, and sometimes tries to bite men, joggers and some women and dogs when we are out and about with her. She is very strong and this is very scary.
Often, she does not like lad. She jumps up from her bed when he moves and rushes over to snap at him. She lurks sulkily beneath the kitchen table, growling and lunging at him. When we try to get her to come out, she bites.
Lad is very good with her, calm and committed. He feeds and fusses her. We work together on training: recall and sit and wait. All of which are entirely ignored as soon as Lupin leaves the house. She seems to be untrainable. Or rather, she knows all the commands, but chooses to ignore them – and us – utterly, whenever we are in any situation where they would be of any practical use.
Lad does everything asked of him regarding dog ownership, but he will not take her out for walks unaccompanied. For which I do not blame him. I walk her alone, often in tears, mostly avoiding other dog owners with their friendly, happy pets. I feel like an outcast, with a monster at the end of the lead.
None of this was foreseen. When we first got Lupin we would let her run free on the country park, marvelling at her speed and agility as she flew through the long grass, darting and dodging. But now she can’t be allowed this freedom since, oblivious to our calls, she heads for the nearest pedestrian to bark and nip. We do not know why.
Lupin seems truly happy only after a long, long walk, when she settles down to sleep peacefully for a couple of hours, before the cycle of pacing, barking, chewing and snapping begins anew.
So I walk her for hours each day, avoiding people where possible, distracting her with pocketfuls of treats, trying, not always successfully, to keep out of trouble. When we get home I stay with her in the kitchen, unable to go anywhere else, even in the house, without her. It is, of course, easier when my other half is around.
As a result I am fitter, but more time-limited, more tired – and much, much more sad, than I was before we got her.
Before Christmas, I rang the rescue where she came from, for advice. They had none to offer. They could take her back, if we wanted.
I believe that a dog is for life, but I was very close to taking them up on it. At times I actually hate her and would be glad to be rid of her. But it would’ve broken all our hearts.
So we soldier on.
For now. ♥
So sorry. Sounds like she has anxiety. There are meds to help her with this.
Hi SO sorry to hear about your dog troubles! The only thing that I can suggest regarding her walks is buying a halti collar for her or something similar it is a collar which prevents dogs from lunging amazing thing. I had one for my dog who used to pull so hard and it was like a miracle once he had that on he didn’t pull and was so much easier to restrain and it is completely painless to the animal also I had a really neurotic cat once that was so neurotic it had big ulcers all over its body anyway the vet gave her some hormone tablets I had to feed her one a day and the cure was miraculous. I wonder if something like hormone therapy would calm her nerves? All the best, for you and your family. I hope it all works out. A happy ending for everyone involved what a shame that she is so difficult.
Oh I can relate to so much of this! We’ve had our boy for 2 years now and I’ve lost count of the number of tears I’ve shed over him. People react very differently to a large dog unfortunately. Well done for soldiering on.
Do you have any secure dog fields in your area? These you can rent for an hour, they are fenced and no one else has access. It gives your dog a chance to run off energy without all the worry of real life.
Hi Julie, unfortunately there are no secure fields near enough to us – I don’t drive, and the nearest is at the rescue where we got her from, about 30 minutes drive away.
Hi, we found dog classes with a good teacher for our similarly unreliable rescue dog and they really helped.
We have engaged a trainer several times already, all to no avail. I’m afraid if we took her to a class with other dogs she would start attacking the other dogs, or their owners.
It’s nice to hear from you. Your writing on this has touched me a lot as it is honest and carefully written. I hope you can find a way through it and a resolution that suits you all. It’s a tough one.
You and Lupin and Lad sound so sad… I wish I knew a way to help you. I hope 2017 turns a corner for you all somewhere and things start to improve.
We brought Cooper, a shelter dog home 6 years ago. He was a beautiful brown German Shorthair and my husband was smitten with him right there. When we were allowed to take him to the play area to meet with our dog Ziggy Cooper was withdrawn, disinterested and would spin in circles licking his side and biting it. One side of his hip and pointy short tail had the fur rubbed off from doing his “spin cycle” as we would later call it. When I took him to the Vet they said he had high anxiety and prescribed a canine version of Prozac. He took it for 3 years and finally I weaned him off it.
Cooper would growl at people he didn’t know and if they tried to come into our home he would nip at them if they got too close. A few times when I rushed over to pet him he cowered and winced which told me he had been abused. He used to go crazy when left alone and would spin so fast he would sometimes knock things over. In the beginning he would chew things up but with time and patience and a lot of love most of his “crazy dog” behavior has stopped or otherwise been reduced by 90%.
It’s not been easy but worth it. We now have a dog that welcomes our friends, not strangers, into our homes. He still can’t be trusted with the UPS or FED EX drivers so we keep our front gate locked and installed a doorbell on the outside of our garage door by the front gate for deliveries.
Nowdays Cooper plays with other dogs like a puppy and likes to snuggle on the sofa with us. Sometimes he likes to come up in my easy chair with me and act like a lap dog. He always seeks permission before doing this and I can always tell by his wistful look he needs attention, loving and petting.
Looking at your photos I can see the far off detached look in your dogs that Cooper once had. It’s going to take a lot of work but if you are up to the task it can be done. Best of luck to you whatever you decide.
I admire you so much for rehabilitating Cooper. I feel very down on myself, because I don’t think I’m up to the task required with Lupin. She has so many issues, the most worrying of which is her aggression. She has tried to bite all of us at home, and she has an ongoing particular dislike for my son. She also goes for people on the street, both on and off the lead, which is problematic not only because she can’t be exercised off lead and therefore I can’t tire her, but also because I am not confident that I am strong enough to control her when she pulls aggressively towards other people or dogs.
I don’t want to mess her up even more by returning her to the rescue, but I am really struggling to cope with her. We had no inkling of her problems when we brought her home or we would not have chosen her.
Me again. On strength to control her (my dig weighs 40 kilos and .has the strength to break bones – I have 2 screws in my little finger to prove it!) A harness the attaches at the front & the back was a game changer for lunging. The one we have has a handle on rhe back which is brill for when you need to REALLY hold him back.
Julie could have written our story. We also have a rescue dog that when we got him, we had no idea of his problems. He would lunge at cyclists, people on motorbikes, people on the other side of the road – especially men, cars, trucks. Other dogs he would throw himself at them, barking and snapping. We also could not leave him alone. We have cameras in the house and he just used to run laps around the house and would jump on anything that would give him a view out of a window.
We got him in May last year. We have 2 plug ins, one called adaptil and the other pet remedy. We also had tamazipams for him when he was really anxious.
The dog behaviourist advised us to get a crate for him. Not to shut the door, but it would be his space where he could retreat when it was all too much. He does this even now. He will run off and get in there and come out when he is ready. His crate has a fleece blanket over it and an old curtain over the top to make it dark and den like for him. it is his refuge.
We were also unable to leave him. The behaviourist said we had to build up from going out the door, going out of sight and then coming back in one minute. Then going in, no eye contact, no touching, act like it is the most normal thing. We did this for a whole month. I am pleased to say that we can now leave him for 3 hours at a time and he has come on so far, we even got a puppy before Christmas.
I poured over the pages of Cesars way, as I realised I was trying to reason with him. Like he understood when I was saying I was disappointed. I had to change as well.
We are still getting better each day, if he doesnt meet people or other dogs off the lead he will growl and bark at them.Being on the lead in these situation makes him crazy.
I know it is hard, and I have cried my eyes out over what to do. Its awful and you feel helpless. Go to the vet and see if there is anything they can do to help with some of the anxiety.
You are a fabulous person for trying to give an animal a second chance. Be kind to yourself. If it isnt working try something else.
Good luck.
p,s, you are the 2nd blog I have found today where they have adopted a dog and they have the same problems as you. Take heart you are not alone, lots of people on the internet will comment and just one of them will suggest something which will help you.
Aw poor Lupin ❤ (& you guys!) …. sounds unfair of the rescue home not to give you the full picture. x
To be fair, they probably hadn’t seen the full picture themselves. Dogs in rescue can shut down and it may take months for their problems to become apparent.
Some dogs from ‘broken homes’ sadly come with baggage and some times the damage is so great it is hard to repair the trust. Sometimes the hard truth is that no matter how hard you try, how many lessons, treats, walks, calmatives you use, you many never get through. Something I do suggest is to speak to your vets, they may be able to point you to an animal psychologist – I used work for a vet surgery – and they can chat to you and hopefully advise. But something we used to often refer to at the surgery – quality is better than quantity.
I spoke to the vet some time ago, when Lupin first exhibited aggression towards my son, but all they did was to write down the number of a behaviourist, who is based in another town, costs a fortune and takes months to get an appointment.
I am so sorry for the problems you are having with your dog. I can feel your frustration and heart break, too. I don’t have a solution, but it doesn’t seem fair that you have to use up all your time trying to control Lupin. I so hesitate to ask, but maybe sending him over the Rainbow Bridge would be a release for him in his misery? Sometimes that can be the bravest and most kind thing to do. I love animals with all my heart, but maybe Lupin is just too broken..poor baby.
Hope I haven’t sounded harsh as I don’t mean it that way. I hope your outcome is one where all involved can be safe and taken care of.
I would hate to think that she couldn’t find a home with someone else who can give her what she needs better than we can. She isn’t bad all of the time and there are many amazing people who devote their lives to rehabilitating damaged dogs. I’m just not sure I’m one of them.
My husband was desperate for a dog and I eventually relented and we got a puppy (nearly 2 years ago now). He is a lovely dog, very calm with our 3 children who are under 6, generally doesn’t pull on the lead and is not aggressive at all. But my god it’s hard work. And if I find my dog hard I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you.
Don’t beat yourself up as it sounds like you are doing an amazing job. I also don’t think you should feel bad if you do have to return her to the dog shelter. A scared dog is unpredictable and often dangerous and you have to think about your son, yourself and others.
On a practical level, have you got a “safe” place e.g. cage or book she can retreat to? (Not to be used for punishment) somewhere dark and cosy and hers.
Have you tried a dogmatic lead which helps to control when walking. It’s a bit like a halti nose collar and very effective.
Adaptil is really good, both plug ins and the collar and activities that make a dog think. Mentally wearing a dog out can be more tiring than walking. We use a Kong and Kong wobble, a cube toy and a several others. We also play hide and seek with food which is easy to set up and cheap. Good hard toys like deer antlers to destroy. I’m sure you have tried all these things but I figured them worth mentioning.
Owning a dog is so much harder than I imagined, the constant exercise required, attention etc. It’s way harder than a child.
Hang in there if you can, and forgive yourself if you can’t. Xx
Thanks for the tips Heather – yes, Lupin has a crate, although I’m not sure she sees it as a safe place and we no longer try to shut her in after she broke out whilst I was out of the house for an hour (having previously seemed fine to be shut in for short periods). I haven’t tried Adaptil, but have considered it – good to know it works. And I have been thinking of upgrading her harness and lead, now that she can’t go off lead at all, so thanks for the recommendation. She has a Kong (which keeps her away from the dinner table whilst we eat) and give her dinners in a treat ball. You are right about owning a dog being hard, but I had been part of Borrow My Doggy for over a year, looking after a dog part-time, so I was prepared for the normal stuff. Thanks for the pep-talk though. Feeling a bit better today after a rubbish New Year’s Eve dealing with fireworks trauma.
Adaptil definitely worked for us. We used a plug in for around 4 months and diesel stopped eating the house whilst I was out ( I never went out for more than 2 hours but he would eat anything, most notably the tread between our kitchen and hall and a bookcase ).
I don’t let diesel off the lead at all because he runs off and gets a lot of aggression aimed at him which is not easy to manage with a buggy and baby but my husband lets him off when he walks him first thing in the morning. He walks early and seems to miss most people! I find being on the receiving end of aggression the hardest thing as it makes me not want to go out with diesel to avoid problems. I get nervous when we approach other dogs and probably look like he is aggressive as I park the buggy hang on tight and get the treats out! Diesel get scared and tries to run and he’s a Labrador so very strong!
My in laws had a nervous dog who used to hide and then be aggressive when you tried to get him out so a hidey hole might not be the best thing anyway.
Another thing to try is a CD of noises to desensitise? You can get dogs barking, fireworks and baby noises etc. We have used these successfully too.
I hope things improve, will be thinking of you and lupin
The dog-calming music specifically for fireworks didn’t seem to work on New Year’s Eve! And I’ve tried playing recordings of fireworks, but Lupin clearly knows the difference between that and the real thing!
Her aggression is definitely the most stressful thing to deal with, particularly out on walks. I, too, walk her early, as soon as its light, to avoid the crowds.
I follow your blog, but don’t know you, that said…we had a lab mix with many of these same issues. Prozac was our only solution and it helped immensely. Time, patience and a good gentle trainer can go a long way, but in the end it’s a tough one. Our fellow lived for 15 years, he passed almost a year ago and strangley I miss him so much even though he go go cuckoo at times. Good luck with your fella. Hope he learns to fit at least with you all.
This is so sad… I wish I could do something to help, but I can’t think of anything useful. If you find yourself near our house on the way round your massive walk, and you want to stop for a cup of tea, I’m nearly always in and our kitchen is old, nothing precious there, so if she nibbles the odd cupboard, I wouldn’t mind (I’m not suggesting we shut her in there – there’s a table & chairs for us too!). Happy to give you a lift to the secure field too, if you thought that would help… I think maybe you need to think very hard (as a family, obviously) about letting her go back to the rescue place – before you all become as damaged as she is.
Thanks for the lovely offer Katherine x
My other half has been walking her over Christmas and she has been better for it as he is more confident with her than I am, plus it has given me a break. Back to normal now, but today she was well-behaved. I was totally convinced she had to go after a terrible New Year’s Eve (fireworks, barking, destruction) but still can’t bring myself to do it.
I totally understand all this – as you know, we had a puppy not so long ago – she came between the family and turned our calm life of three upside down. I was the only one who could control her and my daughter became scared of her, despite all my efforts and 7 weeks of expensive puppy training. We made the very painful decision to return her to the breeder who thankfully understood and re-homed her to a couple without children. It was our daughter who decided in the end we couldn’t keep her as she didn’t want to be in the same room with her after she bit my partner out of the blue and made him bleed. It was like having an extra toddler in our house and changed the family dynamics instead of adding what we thought would be joy and happiness. I couldn’t cope with a dog coming between me and my adoptive daughter – thankfully, she was re-homed and is now very happy and adjusted with a couple who are experienced doing owners. The guilt I felt letting her go was tremendous and lasted for weeks, but he relief I felt getting my family back was greater, and I’ll never be so naive again. Don’t let anyone persuade you any way – only your heart will tell you what’s the right thing. x