So it’s been quite a while since I wrote a post for this blog, hasn’t it?

Time was I would blog daily, full of inspiration and the joys of fabrics, making, and life generally. (Well, usually!)

But time has flown by and this year so, it seems, has much of my inspiration and joy.

I started the year full of good intentions – to make more dolls and bears, to maybe open a webshop of my own, to develop new designs and teach myself new things. But for some reason it didn’t last. Somehow, every time I sat down to make I ended up procrastinating the morning away, staring at my laptop or the fabric I had got out to use, and nothing emerged.

I felt tearful a lot of the time. Stuck.

I tried all my usual methods to trick my unwilling mind into creative – or just functional – mode again. Browsing Instagram and Pinterest just made it worse, engendering unfavourable comparisons between my work and others’ and leaving me asking myself how all these other people could get it together to make nice things and post stuff about them, so why couldn’t I? Why was I such a failure?

I gave myself permission to just stop, thinking that a rest might make things better. That the “winter blues” might blow away in the spring breezes.

They didn’t. I still felt tearful a lot. Unable to start anything. As though I was just going though the motions of living. Lost.

I don’t know why.

I don’t know what to call this state of mind. Depression? That seems to glorify it to an extent that I’m unsure it deserves.

I only know that it happens from time to time and when it does, I don’t always know what to do about it.

I had my ups and downs, but I didn’t feel like this when I was young.

I missed my sister terribly, with an almost physical ache that made my eyes fill with tears every time I thought of her. It had been four years since we last met. Four years during which the pandemic made me wonder whether we would ever see one other again, with us being on opposite sides of the world. We are no longer young, and time flies by. Our children are adults and our lives are not infinite.

Talking on the phone or computer was difficult, because of the ten hour time difference – not to mention the awful sadness that followed each call.

But, as news of customs delays and backlogs became gradually less alarming, I finally got it together to write a card, gather a small boxful of handmade things together and post them to my sister, nephew and nieces in Australia. To let them know that despite the radio silence, I hadn’t forgotten them and I still loved and missed them.

And then, before my parcel had chance to arrive, my sister called. To say that in two days time she was flying to the UK!!
A last minute thing so that her partner could visit his elderly father, who had recently had a fall. She would be staying for three weeks!!

And just like magic, my whole world changed…

I spent the few days between my sister’s call and her arrival manically cleaning, clearing out, tidying and organising the house which, after several months of inertia on my part was not exactly looking its best. The feeling of being “stuck” shifted along with the cobwebs, piles of old clothes, and accumulated neglect.

And so we had three whole weeks of wonderful times together. A week in Cornwall watching the waves, eating forbidden foods, walking and talking. So much talking! And treats. And hugs.

There is truly nothing quite like reconnecting with someone you love who really knows you, from the very beginning of your life, and loves you and just gets you. It was like having some wonder drug injected into my soul that reminded me who I was, taught me that I was OK, and filled a void that I hadn’t even known how to find, let alone repair.

She has gone now, but thankfully, the healing that she brought with her and so generously dispensed in my direction, has not.

We are planning to meet up again at Christmas, with the whole family, in Barcelona (where my niece lived for a time, during her travels).

I don’t feel bereft any more. I survived four years apart, so I can certainly last six months. We message one another frequently.

Following my massive clear-up, I have finally decided to have a proper clear-out of some of my accumulated “stash” of vintage fabrics and other things.

From Thursday June 16th, the first of them will be listed on ebay (from around 4.30pm BST) – you can find them under my ebay user name: mountmapp. Or message / comment and I will attempt to send you a link. I’m starting with the selection you see above: mainly vintage sheets and curtains; barkcloth, cotton or cotton blends, to use as is, or for making things with.

They are rarities now, lovely, glorious, floral vintage wonders that I still love, but I have too many and they have languished too long in cupboards and deserve someone new to appreciate them. Many were bought with the intention of turning them into cushions or quilts but I have moved on from that, so I know I won’t use them and someone else could and should. Knowing this means I shan’t miss them too much.

Plus – I have a project in mind. I am raising money for a garden studio!

I have decided that a little space of my own is one thing that will go some way towards aiding my mental health – even if all I do is sit in it and cry (joke!)

No, in reality, much as I love my kitchen table, working from it is not as easy as it once was.

Our lad has given up university, defeated by the solitude of online lectures and life lived in a room the size of a cupboard, not to mention the unforeseen complexities of degree level nuclear physics. So he’s here full time, as is my partner, which is lovely. My partner now works mainly from home, rather than in London all week as he did pre-pandemic. We are all happy to be here together, but I would love a space of my own to work in that I don’t have to tidy up every time someone wants a snack.

So the fundraising for one of these begins…My studio plan has brought me motivation, a vision of the future, and a gentle return to creative endeavours.

I have made a couple of new bears (one of which you can see below) and the little miniature sofa (pictured at the top of this post) and I plan to make more, with a view towards new collections in the future. Because making is a part of me I never want to lose, whether anyone likes or buys the things I make or not.And if it doesn’t work out, well, I will either have a space of my own in which to experience my ups and downs, or my partner will have a nice home office to work from!

If there’s anything in particular you are looking for, or in need of, vintage fabric-wise, let me know in the comments. I may have just the thing and I am in the mood for superfluous stash-busting, so you might just strike lucky.

And really, it has to go. It’s time to let go, clear the decks and prioritise what I can actually use now.

And besides, there’s no way it will all fit into my new studio. ♥